From I Did Not Know Him to He Is The One

St John Pointing to Christ
Bartolome Murrillo 1655

From I Did Not Know Him to He is the One

My journey to truly knowing Christ is one some may identify with. Yes, even though I am a cradle Catholic who completed my sacraments and attended religious education classes as a youth, I did not know Him. I did not understand the concept of the Trinity as well.

My understanding of Jesus was this; He was crucified and died for us and that He was part of the Mass. Quite elementary I guess. For me this continued much into adulthood. The doxology, "Through him, with him, O God, almighty Father in the unity of the Holy Spirit," was just a saying made by priest. Jesus was compartmentalized into being crucified and dying for our sins.

Even more troubling for this adult was that fact that my concept of God was that of the punisher which had its origins from Christian comic books I read as a youth. The world was on verge of destruction from wars and plagues. Always waiting to be struck down by the Zeus-like lightning bolt I lived in fear. God could not be loving as I reflected on some of fire and brimstone sermons that came from the pulpit during my youth.

How could I have any relationship with such a daunting entity who was at any moment going to zap me for the slightest infraction, who was also going to create havoc with those close to me because I sinned? Thus the seesaw battle raged in my mind. Good versus evil. If I sinned which I did quite often, there would be a punishment. Confession was of no use because I was not accepting of the fact that Jesus died for my sins and thus by me revealing myself I would be forgiven.

This spiritual dysfunction continued for many years as I increasingly became wary if there was indeed a God. Mass was just a obligation, prayers were just recitations with little connection to the meanings.

Through a series of life changing events this gradually changed. In Psalm 40 today, the words resonate with "I have waited, waited for the Lord, and he stooped toward me and heard my cry," as the psalmist recounts coming from the netherworlds to a new life in which one can praise God.
The response is "Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will." Key for me was and still is I come to do your will.  God is the One not me and my desires.

St Paul in Ephesians 4:17 declares, "you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds."  It takes little reflection for me to find truth in this.

Still understanding the Triune God is still a mystery for me. However, I have come to the realization that I can have a personal relationship with Jesus through prayer, reconciliation and receiving the Eucharist. My sufferings can be brought to Him for he endured life in human form, thus we are bonded. More importantly those faulty concept of who God has been dispelled through spiritual reading and guidance from my spiritual director who always make a point of telling me that "God loves me for who I am."  I also understand that the God is forever working in me when I am open to Spirit. As Isaiah states in today's first reading, "God is now my strength."

John the Baptist recognized that Jesus is the one. Even not knowing him he realized that through the Spirit Jesus was the one. I know now that He is one. There is no substitute, nothing can separate me from Him. However, it does not stop here. My relationship with Jesus is also carried out with others as well for if Jesus is present in me as I am not exclusive in that He is not just in me. He is in the relationships I have with others, as well as those I don't agree with or condemn. It is for me to find Him in others.

The songwriter composed the song, "There is a Longing," of which begins, "There is a longing in our heart for you to reveal yourself to us."  For some of us this is a gradual journey, others have found Jesus the One in their youth. For me this longing persists. Finally being a fan of 80's music I can't help but reflect on Depeche Modes "Personal Jesus" from my own faith perspective not the secular interpretation of the song.  The first (abbreviated) and second stanzas of song are as follows:

Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers

I will deliver
You know I'm a forgiver 
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith 
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there

© Depeche Mode 1990

all glory and honor is yours, almighty Father, for ever and ever.