The Doubting Thomas within Me

Sacred Stones, New Clairvaux

 © Frank Schulenburg / , via Wikimedia Commons

DOUBTING THOMAS

Doubting Thomas he was called. He had to physically touch the wounds of Christ before he would believe, but once he took this action he proclaimed what no other had said, "My Lord and my God!" Thus he acknowledged the first two persons of the Trinity.  I am reminded of this as I reflected on a homily given by Abbot Thomas Davis at the New Clairvaux Monastery some forty years ago. I can explain the details of the homily other than Abbot Thomas spoke of briefly of the history of his journey and that of Saint Thomas. My Lord and my God! Do I have doubts about the Trinity?  For sure.

WHERE IS THE PROOF?

I am one of those who would like to see proof of anything before I belief it.  As a history teacher I instruct my students to prove any historical statement with reliable evidence especially in this day and age. Would I have been like Thomas? Most definitely. 

So my dilemma becomes having proof of the existence of the risen Christ and for that matter God and the Holy Spirit. I hearken back to Matthew's Gospel reading from Saturday in which the centurion who was bestowed with authoritative power comes to Jesus to ask that he might heal his sick servant. The centurion in a moment of true faith asks that Jesus only say the word and his servant will be healed. What more proof might one need about the power of Jesus?

My life journey has taking me through some profound levels of darkness of which I only acknowledged the existence of the name of God and Jesus. Feeling unworthy I never thought that the power of God could cure a sinner like myself. Where was my Lord and God? Certainly not working in a broken person as myself. Doubt prevailed. Much of what I saw in the world around me was depressing and tragic. Little hope of a better world existed. If Jesus truly existed I wanted to see him or at least some miracle so that I could believe.

Many years later I can reflect on those dark moments and see the presence of God mercy. The realization that Jesus did indeed die for my sins and brokenness and through  infinite mercy accepted me and guides me even as I veered off path, a seemingly path of no return. Why and how I am hard pressed to explain.

STILL DOUBTING

I still have doubts or better said fears. I find myself saying many times, "I believe, help with my unbelief," as I reflect on my own personal trials and sufferings along with those close to me. More problematic is viewing the worldly violence, poverty, and downright meanness. This is all the more evident with the current state of affairs in our own nation as we approach the July 4th holiday. I harbor doubts that there is can be healing among such disparate groups. But sometimes it is within the brokenness that unity can be found.

Finally I must acknowledge that even as I attend Mass doubts arise as the priest recites the Eucharistic Prayer saying "Therefore, O Lord, we humbly implore you: by the same Spirit graciously make holy these gifts we have brought to you for consecration, that they may become the Body and Blood of your Son our Lord Jesus Christ, at whose command we celebrate these mysteries." Can this really become the Body and Blood of our Lord?  I believe, help me in my unbelief.