I Believe, Help Me in My Unbelief

THE EASY WAY

Belief in the healing power of Jesus was a challenge for people in Scripture as well as it is now for many. Our world full of political strife, unfiltered rhetoric, hateful tweets, and general disdain for civility.  It is easier to gravitate towards this type of behavior than to believe that this actually a better way. 

Yet here we are in the Fatima Centennial in a time where there is need for all types of healing. It is no coincidence in my opinion that we are asked to prayerfully review what occurred in 1917 in Fatima. It is equally important to faithfully understand what happened in Lourdes on this day in 1858. Faith can be strong if we allow God to answer our prayers with obedience to his will.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

I have always struggled with the idea that God can heal especially through the intersessions of the Blessed Virgin, the saints, and regular people.  My idea of healing veers more towards physical ailments and disease and not towards spiritual healing.  I can become jaded when people profess of overcoming physical ailments or disease through God's infinite power. 

Recently I have been battling with chronic pain due to cervical stenosis and other related issues. My prayer daily is just get me through the day. Pretty brief and direct. Having joined a spinal health forum I see that many are suffering much worse than myself. Yet in my little world my pain can be a focal point. What is missing is my belief that I can be healed in some way.

While at Mass last Sunday and in some discomfort I gazed at Jesus nailed to the cross behind the altar. In a moment of clarity a small voice said, "Breathe me in and the pain out." How simple! 

Not one that hears voices often other than my own which is usually focused on my own will, I began the exercise of breathing in and breathing out. It worked. I was healed temporarily and at least I wasn't focused on my discomfort. 

Later in the week I found myself waking up without much pain. Was it due to a halt in the pain medication and muscle relaxants that had been prescribed to me? I had decided to go natural route and try some herbal supplements. Upon reflection I preferred to attribute the relief to God's infinite grace upon a sometimes doubting believer like myself. 

In periods of weakness I asked myself where is the pain and why am I not in discomfort? This lasted for a few days. During that time I made sure that I gave thanks and if anyone asked me how I was feeling I tried my best to attribute the relief to God, but I failed mightily. Yet I knew deep down it was about his power. 

OTHER HEALING

Having gone through a considerable spiritual renewal, I can attest to that the power of God's healing is not just focused on the physical. Years ago I was a church going Catholic, but that was about it. I did not care much for the teachings of the institution or for the papal authority. Instead I railed about the unfairness and injustices that the Church of my childhood upbringing committed. 

There was little to believe in during that time period other than myself. But through a series of events that changed.  I was in need of spiritual healing and to embrace my faith with obedience. This came only when I was able to give up on the idea that I knew the way. 

Healing comes in the form of giving up anger towards certain people, institutions, and the idea of personal perfection.  It is when family wounds are mended as well as personal relationships. And it is not always immediate. 

As Fr James Sullivan says, "Healing is comes in answers to prayers not in the way that you imagine." (1) It can be in those small miracles of the day, the little victories, the positive interactions with others. Only upon reflection can one realize the infinite graces that have been bestowed on one daily.

I BELIEVE

One of my favorite lines in Scripture is that of Mark 9:24 in which Jesus heals a young boy inflicted by a demonic spirit. The boy's father cries out, "I believe, help me in my unbelief!" This is after an Jesus questions the crowd and the generation of people about their lack of faith.

This week there were four such stories of the power of Jesus healing. Yet despite these I find myself still doubting that I can be healed. Perhaps it is not about me, but instead about the world, about those who are in need near me who I might be unaware of.

At Mass the true test of faith comes for me as the priest raises the host and proclaim "Take this all of you an eat of it, for this is my body which will be given up for you," and later the cup with proclamation. I find myself only to be able to utter "I believe, help me in my unbelief." The true mystery of faith. 

1. Sullivan, James M. "The Fatima Centennial: Our Lady of Lourdes and True Miracles of Healing." Magnificat Feb. 2017: 148. Web.