Worry, Anxiety, and Flowers

Worry, Anxiety and Flowers

I spend an inordinate thinking about a lot of things. Some of this thinking becomes worry and anxiety.  I am masterful in creating situations to worry about and become anxious. It seems when I am inactive I become my mind becomes populated by various scenarios regarding financial insecurity, my recent health issues, my favorite sports teams, job issues, the future of our nation, my mother, and worries about my children's future and on and on.  I guess I could be like the Thinker, but not in as well preserved. 

DOUBT

In today's first reading the words "my Lord has forgotten me" resonate well with a sometimes doubter like myself. With life comes trials and tribulations, some quite intense that can cause me wonder where is God. 

I have difficulties with the idea that God tests me and my faith. There are plenty of forums and literature that abound with both the question of testing as well as the answers. I have found that the idea that God is always there for us when life's trials overtake us is comforting. Likewise I think that the alternative of not facing the trials but running to things that comfort me and numb me from pain is actually running from God.

I have used the words "where is God" when certain faced with situations that seem to be spinning out of control. Likewise when mired in my own selfish ways and want God to cure me of a deep seeded defect, but not willing to take the step towards God, similar words will come from my mouth.

ANXIETY

Jesus refers to anxiety and worry in the Gospel today saying "do not worry about you life."(MT 6:25)  However, what is quite poignant is what he says previously about money in that you cannot serve both your material needs and God equally.  Money for me has been a constant thorn in my side even as I have a well paying job and live comfortably. In a way I am quite ashamed of these worries about tuition, medical bills, car repairs etc. I am quite aware that others are in much more need than myself. All I have to do is drive to work or interact with those I serve. 

I now see that these anxieties have been a platform for me to break out my shell and see the world suffering around me. As I concentrate on serving God, these financial anxieties tend to dissipate. Things seem to take care of themselves fulfilling the answer Jesus gives later in that "Your heavenly Father knows you need them all." (MT 6:32) 

For myself it is good to periodically review how these worries and anxieties have been answered. God has taken care of tuition needs in ways not even imagined. Other issues quickly slip into the abyss. Amazing how this happens.

OF FLOWERS AND CLOTHES

"Flowers do not work or spin." (MT 6:28)  I had to think about this for a while.  Wild flowers originate from seed, depend on water and a nutrient rich soil. They spring up and are displayed beautifully along the roadside hills and even in the desert. They are indeed a creation of God.  

Likewise if I take the image of a flower wilting, I can also see that this is what anxiety and worry does to me. It is no longer a image of beauty as the life has been sucked out of it.

If I take this example and fully depend on God for those things I really need then I become much like that beautiful flower. I radiate the life that God has provided me with. 

I like clothes and food. I like to appear dressed well at work, to look professional.  I find that I have too many dress shirts and ties. Maybe it is time to spread the wealth. Here I find myself identified with the pagans, worrying about how I look when God knows me in and out. 

TRUST

In the end the message is about trust. Do I trust in God to take care of me this day and not worry about the next major project or medical procedure?  Can I allow God to take me by the hand and guide me down the path which he has set forth for me?  Can I let go of the desire to control others around me?

Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you.

Broken

BROKEN

I crawled, I cried, I was in utter despair

Where are you God, why aren't you here

Broken as a limb snapped from a tree

Ever longing to be set free

Was I ready to give in set my will aside
 go along for the ride

Accepting my savior who would never flee
from a poor sinner like me

one more time back on my knees 

Take this God, take this inner torment from me

The Perfect Game

THE PERFECT GAME

In baseball, one of the ultimate achievements is that of the perfect game. The pitcher retires each batter in the course of nine innings for a total of 27 consecutive outs (professional level). It is a feat rarely achieved. In fact over the 140 years of major league baseball, it has been done 23 times most recently by Felix Hernandez in 2012.

Most recently the University of Connecticut's woman's basketball amassed its 100 consecutive victory translating into victories over four seasons. Quite a feat, but when they do eventually lose pundits will be dissecting their loss.

Last year my favorite basketball team the Golden State Warriors also compiled a wining streak of twenty-eight games. Perfection of a sort and as a fan I wished it would continue. If only I could go 28 days without sinning.

PERFECTION

Perfection is a word much maligned today as well as misunderstood in the terms of its application in the theological sense. We attempt to get to the "perfect weight." We rate people and things with the perfect 10. The word perfectionism is given to those who attempt to complete daily task seemingly without error. If you know a person who is like this you know that they can be very driven and become despondent if their task or interaction veers slightly off path. Everything must be perfectly aligned.

I am one of these people. Whether is it is a work task, writing this blog, a project at home, or an athletic feat I can indulge in the self-flagellation that makes me a difficult person to be around.  Yes, I am my own harshest critic. But where is God in all of this?

HOLINESS, TEMPLES, AND TURNING THE CHEEK

This in turn makes it difficult for me to adhere to today's teachings about holiness, being a temple of God, and turning the other cheek. 

Moses is instructed by the Lord to tell the Israelites. "to be holy." Do not bear grudges or seek revenge. "Love thy neighbor as yourself," says the Lord. Holiness and perfection seem to better suited for the saints. But with close examination of those we tend to put on a pedestal, one can find that they were not without fault, but indeed quite human.

Once one recognizes this a personal connection is realized.  I struggled with the idea of holiness and saints for many years. It was only upon reading about people such as St. Augustine, St Francis, Thomas Merton, and others that I began to understand holiness. It is not that I have to be perfect, but that I try to attain that perfection that the Lord is referring to.

MY BODY THE TEMPLE

In the second reading Paul talks of being a temple. For me this is difficult as I find my sinfulness as my downfall. The idea that the Spirit of God dwells in me can be far fetched and unachievable.

"Become a fool as to become wise"  and "The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain" are two lines that are challenging. I enjoy the attention that is showered on me when I achieve or "complete a task perfectly, "but this is also quite dangerous. Increasingly I have become aware that this attention has only become to be because of God's infinite grace. No, I don't point to the sky as many athletes do, but I do give personal thanks.

The idea that the Lord knows my thoughts definitely brings me down of my stool of perfection and holiness. If I were to keep track during the course of a day or even an hour the number of unholy thoughts that arise from my fragile mind it would easily exceed the number of outs in a nine inning game .

But here is the catch. I am human therefore I am sinful and in need of God all the time. At time it seems that the Spirit has a reserved seat on my shoulder bringing to attention how I might react to these thoughts or temptations.  Thus as Paul states, I belong to God.

TURN THE CHEEK

One of the biggest challenges today is to turn the other cheek. In a society filled with trollers who are looking for the slightest opportunity to create a disparaging tweet filled with hate rhetoric it seems this is now a challenge long lost.  Yet that is perhaps because the people who are indeed taking that action do not publicize their actions, but live out those actions. As many theologians have stated this doesn't mean that one passively accepts the evil actions of others, but instead extends the opportunity to love.

Recently I was following Oroville Dam Twitter updates as the spillway began to erode. Being from the area I had a legitimate concern for the people who lived in the flood zone. However, I was appalled by hateful rhetoric by internet trollers and those who wished death and destruction on those fleeing the rising waters.  Internally I wanted to lash back at those insensitive people. Conversely I found there were those who instead of attacking those tweets, asked for prayers not only for those who were in danger, but for those who found it necessary to make such distasteful statements.

Likewise I found it refreshing today to read about a few people in our nation's legislative branch who are seeking to work together to solve the problems facing our country instead of engaging in social media slamming of their rivals. 

Forgiveness is key here. Realizing that the person who may offended me is just like me a sinner.  A personal reflection each day on my actions always brings this into perspective. I can quite easily on my stool of perfectionism cast judgement on others blindly. However, it doesn't take much for me to see another's actions in myself and my own past actions.

As Christians we are called to be set apart much like the Hebrews in the first reading. Being proactive in prayer for those who might have offended me  helps me live out  the messagel today.  Giving up the right to strike back and stand is a challenging, but it is ultimately what the world needs. It is on the road to perfection in the deepest sense. 

Signs Everywhere

SIGNS, SIGNS, SIGNS

"Pay attention to the signs'" I would instruct my children as they learned to drive. Likewise I have been told to pay attention to the signs my body gives out when over exerted due to training, or mental exhaustion.

I have never been particularly fond of paying attention to the aforementioned signs. Instead I like to plow on showing everyone that I am above the pain or exhaustion. Part of this is due to being an athlete who is taught to play through the pain. The other part is being a stubborn human being who would prefer to show people that I can prevail at all costs.

Signs are everywhere. As we drive we are directed to stop, decrease speed, slow for bumps, yield to pedestrians, watch for falling rocks, slick roads, follow speed limits, and list goes on forevers it seems. In our workplace we encounter signs for exits, entries, warnings for dangerous materials, laws mandating certain procedures, disaster protocol, and parking. Walk into a restaurant and one finds health ratings, food ratings from social media, and credit card information. There are even games that challenge people to identify signs and symbols.

It seems we are bombarded with this information, but do we pay attention to the spiritual signs that may be sent our way?  I would like to think that when I am connected to God I am more adept to pick out the subtle signs that are sent my way, but that doesn't happen frequently as I am distracted by those earthly signs. The question becomes how one can identify these signs.

BIBLICAL SIGNS

In the Bible the word signs comes up over 200 times.  Ahaz is instructed to ask God for a sign and refuses and the outcome is the prophecy of Jesus birth.  In today's reading Jesus is dismayed at the Pharisees who demand a sign from heaven. Jesus also reminds us to pay attention to the sign of times as well (Mt 16:1).

So here is my attempt to interpret some signs that have presented themselves over my lifetime.

THE STOP SIGN

Not my favorite because it finds a way to interrupt journey to whatever I seem to be doing. Including in this is the traffic signal. I have found that on numerous occasions I will be traveling to a destination in a rush, intent to getting there on time with total disregard to the world around me and the light turns yellow, than quickly red. I immediately become angry, but sometimes in a moment of sanity I reflect on what God may want me to see. 

The stop sign is also a symbolic measure to examine my actions and intentions. "Look both ways or all ways," the driver's training instructor tells the student driver.  Likewise God may be asking me to do the same. 

THE EXIT SIGN

Another that I am not fond of unless I am stuck in traffic and am looking for a shortcut. Many times throughout my life there is a clear message that I need to exit from a current behavior or situation as God has a better plan for me. I would like to stick on the current path even if it means I am mired in the proverbial traffic jam. Sometimes exiting provides relief from a problem other times I find myself in more traffic (confusion). I guess this means that I need a tow truck (God) to pull me along. 

 THE FOOD SIGN

Don't get me wrong, I love food. I love to cook and love to eat. Food is both a necessity and also a comfort when things go awry. Nothing like a fast food sign appearing on the horizon during a long trip. Likewise I need to be fed by spiritual food, Mass attendance, an active prayer life, penance, Scripture reading, communion, not necessarily in that order. 

THE ONE WAY SIGN

Yes, you probably guessed where I am going with this. There is only one way to spiritual life. It is not through my own self will. It is not through obtaining material goods or wealth. It is not by being successful and popular in the work place. Need I say more. My life experience has shown me that none of the above really have been productive in bringing me closer to God. Turn the sign other direction and that is the road I have taken frequently to no avail.

THE FORM A LINE SIGN

Please form a single file line

A reminder of the confessional line and the need to for penance frequently. I encounter this at department stores and it is a reminder to be patient as well. 

MORE SIGNS

I figured I would touch on a few signs as I write this. It seems that upon reflection this post can go on and on. Signs for danger ahead, curvy road, steep grade, steep downhill. All of these are pertinent in our spiritual journey. Just stay straight ahead.

Come Follow Me

A voice calls a man  "Follow me take my hand"

"Come with me through this desolate barren land"

This road taken leads to  eternal salvation

Take yours, it leads to damnation

It calls again  "Follow me"

The man replies "What about my work, my family?

"Don't worry those will be taken care of by me"

"But how?" asks the man shaking with fright

The voice replies, "I am the way, the light."

"I am still unsure," is the man's reply. "How can I trust you?"

"I will do you no harm and behold you will be among few"
"Who are you?" asks the man still unsure.
The voice replies, "I am justice, truth and the cure.
Still again the voice continues on.
"I am the beloved Son, the One"
The man reaches out and finds a guide.
The voice says, "trust in me we are in for a ride.
"Through the valleys and peaks of life
through trials, tribulations and strife."
"Where," the man asks, "are we going?"
The voice answers, "To the land of milk and honey ever flowing."
It is here where you will rest eternally
With the Father, Son and the chosen family."
© Christian Miraglia 2017

Heal Me

HEAL ME

Heal me cried the beggar full of shame

Heal me cried the lepers and the lame

He can heal me thought the  woman from Capernaum

Let me touch prayed the man whose hand was withered and gone

Come to me he said to woman in pain from infirmity

I would like to see said the blind man possessed at Galilee 

Ephphatha said Jesus to another blind man applying the moistened earth

"Rise up child he said to the child epileptic since birth

Cry not he said to the grieving woman at Nain

Free me begged the man thought of as insane

Allow me to walk asked the man helpless by the pool

Have mercy on me cried the blind Bartemaeus who was seen as a fool

My servants lies sick implored the centurion with much power

Mary fell at his feet crying it cannot be Lazarus's hour

Through this all Jesus is in one and the same

Healing all who come to Him calling his name

©Christian Miraglia 2017

I Believe, Help Me in My Unbelief

THE EASY WAY

Belief in the healing power of Jesus was a challenge for people in Scripture as well as it is now for many. Our world full of political strife, unfiltered rhetoric, hateful tweets, and general disdain for civility.  It is easier to gravitate towards this type of behavior than to believe that this actually a better way. 

Yet here we are in the Fatima Centennial in a time where there is need for all types of healing. It is no coincidence in my opinion that we are asked to prayerfully review what occurred in 1917 in Fatima. It is equally important to faithfully understand what happened in Lourdes on this day in 1858. Faith can be strong if we allow God to answer our prayers with obedience to his will.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

I have always struggled with the idea that God can heal especially through the intersessions of the Blessed Virgin, the saints, and regular people.  My idea of healing veers more towards physical ailments and disease and not towards spiritual healing.  I can become jaded when people profess of overcoming physical ailments or disease through God's infinite power. 

Recently I have been battling with chronic pain due to cervical stenosis and other related issues. My prayer daily is just get me through the day. Pretty brief and direct. Having joined a spinal health forum I see that many are suffering much worse than myself. Yet in my little world my pain can be a focal point. What is missing is my belief that I can be healed in some way.

While at Mass last Sunday and in some discomfort I gazed at Jesus nailed to the cross behind the altar. In a moment of clarity a small voice said, "Breathe me in and the pain out." How simple! 

Not one that hears voices often other than my own which is usually focused on my own will, I began the exercise of breathing in and breathing out. It worked. I was healed temporarily and at least I wasn't focused on my discomfort. 

Later in the week I found myself waking up without much pain. Was it due to a halt in the pain medication and muscle relaxants that had been prescribed to me? I had decided to go natural route and try some herbal supplements. Upon reflection I preferred to attribute the relief to God's infinite grace upon a sometimes doubting believer like myself. 

In periods of weakness I asked myself where is the pain and why am I not in discomfort? This lasted for a few days. During that time I made sure that I gave thanks and if anyone asked me how I was feeling I tried my best to attribute the relief to God, but I failed mightily. Yet I knew deep down it was about his power. 

OTHER HEALING

Having gone through a considerable spiritual renewal, I can attest to that the power of God's healing is not just focused on the physical. Years ago I was a church going Catholic, but that was about it. I did not care much for the teachings of the institution or for the papal authority. Instead I railed about the unfairness and injustices that the Church of my childhood upbringing committed. 

There was little to believe in during that time period other than myself. But through a series of events that changed.  I was in need of spiritual healing and to embrace my faith with obedience. This came only when I was able to give up on the idea that I knew the way. 

Healing comes in the form of giving up anger towards certain people, institutions, and the idea of personal perfection.  It is when family wounds are mended as well as personal relationships. And it is not always immediate. 

As Fr James Sullivan says, "Healing is comes in answers to prayers not in the way that you imagine." (1) It can be in those small miracles of the day, the little victories, the positive interactions with others. Only upon reflection can one realize the infinite graces that have been bestowed on one daily.

I BELIEVE

One of my favorite lines in Scripture is that of Mark 9:24 in which Jesus heals a young boy inflicted by a demonic spirit. The boy's father cries out, "I believe, help me in my unbelief!" This is after an Jesus questions the crowd and the generation of people about their lack of faith.

This week there were four such stories of the power of Jesus healing. Yet despite these I find myself still doubting that I can be healed. Perhaps it is not about me, but instead about the world, about those who are in need near me who I might be unaware of.

At Mass the true test of faith comes for me as the priest raises the host and proclaim "Take this all of you an eat of it, for this is my body which will be given up for you," and later the cup with proclamation. I find myself only to be able to utter "I believe, help me in my unbelief." The true mystery of faith. 

1. Sullivan, James M. "The Fatima Centennial: Our Lady of Lourdes and True Miracles of Healing." Magnificat Feb. 2017: 148. Web.

Light Uncovered

LEADING WITH WEAKNESS

There is a saying lead with your weakness which in itself does not fit the the rugged determination and individualism our society projects upon us. However, as Christians this is what we are called on to do. In both the first reading and the Gospel the term light is used as a way of the demonstrating that one can bring life to an otherwise dark world. This light can only be lit when one approaches God in their fragile human condition and like Paul admits to their weakness and fear.  There is something quite attractive about a person who is authentic and understands their human condition which is probably why Paul was so successful.

SHARE YOUR BREAD

Isaiah talks of sharing your bread in the first reading. Getting out of one's self by helping others is the best remedy for selfishness and self-centeredness. Throughout history people such as Mother Teresa, St Francis, and of course Paul have found a way to share Christ by first understanding their own vulnerability and thus being able fulfill their earthly mission. I find that no matter what my problems are there is no better way of escaping that self-pity and why me attitude than being open to aiding others no matter what their plight is.  They allow the light to permeate their being. 

In a previous post I mentioned Shelene Bryan whose book provides a wealth of ideas to incorporate into ones life that correspond with Isaiah's exhortation.  For one who can easily be consumed by work and the insanity of the world around me, I found some great ideas that help me realize that the world is not limited to my problems.

OF SALT AND FRIES

"You are the salt of the earth," said Jesus to his disciples. As someone who enjoys cooking I think of salt as the flavor enhancer. For those who love French Fries, think of eating them without the salt. Just a bland taste of potato. 

Think of yourself as the salt in the salt shaker being sprinkled on those fries or any other food enhanced by salt. Each of those granules comes to rest upon the food creating a tasty attractive meal, although not the most healthy if over done.  Each personal interaction we have is much like the granule. Likewise in spiritual terms if God has bestowed a specific talent(salt) on a person they are then to go out among others and put it to work. 

However, just like the salt that loses taste, one can also become deadened to the Christian life. A lack of a prayer life, spiritual reading, and being overcome by secular humanism is a great recipe for this way of life. Thus, there is a need for spiritual salt. 

TAKING THE LIGHT FROM UNDER THE BUSHEL BASKET

As a teacher I ask my students to evaluate my teaching at the end of semester. The idea came from about ten years ago from another teacher who frequently blogged about having students critically look at his teaching.  Believe me this wasn't easy, for as a veteran teacher it is not too difficult to think that you have it all figured out and there is no need to for input. 

This exercise done twice a year gave me a chance to evaluate myself and step down off the pedestal that students naturally place teachers on as the all-knowing of disposer of facts. In the perspective of today's readings, I could not really expect my students to better connect with me unless I became vulnerable. Once unmasked as a teacher but presented to the students as a human being with a long list of weaknesses I was able to better connect with my pupils.  

I have found that works just as well with my role as a parent in that when I falter with angry words or actions.  The bushel must be taken away so that I can be human and light to my own children, not just the authoritative figure who imposes unfair rules (the children's words) and makes their life difficult. Of course they are now grown and see the light of my ways. 

THE COMING OF LIGHT

During this time of winter in the Northern Hemisphere most crops are dormant unless you happen to live in an area where the sun is a constant beacon even in short hours of day. As a gardener I grow very little due to the lack of light and heat. I look forward to the Spring when I start the tomatoes, beans, peppers, and other crops from seed as the soil warms. The figurative bushel basket is taken away as the seeds germinate and burst through the soil soon becoming a productive food crop. 

Much like the crops which only grow in the assigned season, can I only be a light to others when I myself allow light in. For me the light is the Word and the unconditional love of God. May you be a shining light to others today.