More on Thinking

THINKING

I have always thought of myself as a thinker. I analyze and analyze many of the decisions that I need to make, at times researching possible answers or outcomes to the point of being somewhat obsessed with trying to control the outcome.  Thinking things is good at times especially when being impulsive might be quite harmful to others. I even like to think that I am discerning using a theological term.

Yet despite this I find that most of the time my thoughts are not God's thoughts (IS 55:8).  I take myself to Thomas Merton's famous prayer of seeking God's will in which he says, "Nor do I really know myself, and the fact thatI think I am following Your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so." 

REFLECTING

Recently I have been spending time reading Gerard Hughes' book, "God, Where Are You?" As he describes his journey to the Jesuit priesthood from his childhood days he often finds that what he thought was God's will was actually himself creating his idea of what God wanted. He recounts on numerous occasions plunging into what at the time seemed as service to God in his various activities throughout his life, only to find that it was mostly about him and his desire to feed his ego. Reflecting on these memories was key in his increasing realization that God was not just about the Catholic Church or his own desires, but was universal in ways that he never comprehended.  Encouraged by Hughes' writing I began to take my own journey. 

Yes, God's thoughts are not my thoughts nor or His will necessarily reflective on I think it to be. We hear in not only Isaiah, but also in the Responsorial Psalm and in the Gospel of God's ways.  Just reminiscing on my most recent years, I have found that many of my actions that I considered were holy and at the time might have been, later became more about me being recognized as being a good Catholic and promoting the good of the Church. 

WORKING FOR WHO?

And what about others. I labor hard in the vineyard of life and what to be rewarded with just pay and find myself slighted when others might receive recognition for their hard work. I become envious (MT 20:15) and then resentful. How is this person recognized and not me.  There is always a lesson and find that most of the time it is about humility. Can I serve God in this manner? At times I feel the need to retreat, reflect and pray for the desire to better serve.  

Ultimately it comes down to the fact that I am not God, nor do I know what God's plan is for me or for others. Pretending to do so only causes myself emotional anguish and pain for those around me. However, I take solace in the fact that I am not idly standing in the vineyard waiting for something to happen, as I prefer work. I don't always agree with the outcome or wages that God provides, but there is an acceptance that in the long run, it is better for me. 


Thomas Merton from Thoughts in Solitude 1956

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that
I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for You are ever with me,
and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Love thy Neighbor as Yourself

Paul's exhortation in his Letter to the Romans concludes, "You shall love thy neighbor as yourself."  Challenging enough to love thy neighbor whoever it may be, but what about loving thyself? What does that mean?  It is a good spiritual practice to reflect on ones actions at the end of the day. Some people prefer the Examen method which is one that I find useful, others a general overview inviting the Holy Spirit to reveal ones actions throughout the day. What do we see?

THE CHALLENGE OF LOVING THYSELF

I find that loving myself is quite difficult. There are so many imperfections and actions throughout my daily existence that sometimes I feel quite overwhelmed.  I find that in conversations I tend to manipulate the topic so that it fits me or I can take credit for something. Likewise in heated moments I can by quite cynical and abrasive with those close to me as well as those I might be serving during the course of the day. I find myself stewing when things don't go in the direction I would like them or even playing out situations in my cluttered mind so that they best fit my needs. Self-centered is the word. I find myself as standoffish when I feel hurt. Quite a few defects of character.

LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME

The key is not go into the self-flagellation mode of which I have a history of doing. What allows me to carry on? Only through the infinite grace of God can I survive. Realizing that I am human and that the mercy of God can transcend all imperfections that I carry if I allow it to penetrate the walls i have erected as self-defense mechanism. Thus I have a general acceptance of myself as a human.

It is then and only then can I truly love thy neighbor. Being tolerant of others imperfections especially when my own faults seemingly outweigh theirs is important. Not getting that spiteful or judging word in when the temptation is so overwhelmingly strong to do so. Surrendering in the moment of anger to the will of God and refraining from volatile social media post are roads to this commandment. As Pope Francis says quite often, "Words can kill too."  This applies to how I perceive myself as well as others.  I quite often gravitate to favorite prayer of mine during the many times where I want nail someone to the cross. It is one that used quite often to those in recovery as well in popular faith circles as well.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

You Think As Human Beings Do

ME AT THE HELM

Nothing is more true when one finds themselves in trouble due to their own human thinking. Jesus rebuke of Peter as he desperately tries to hold onto a human understanding of God's will is a lesson for us as well. The innate desire to control the outcome of situations that are beyond our control only causes heartache, anger, resentment, and the list goes on. For myself this is a daily challenge as I find myself meandering in the inner recesses of my mind in a fruitless endeavor to manage my own life.

I am human therefore I think. That in itself is quite good. I am thankful that I have the ability to do so. However, if I even attempted to measure my thought process in an hour, where my mind goes and how I try to control situations I become an obstacle to the presence of Holy Spirit much as Jesus tells Peter, "You are an obstacle to me. You are not thinking as God, but as human beings do" (MT 16)

YES THE CROSS

I find that most of the time I don't even pause to allow God into a situation that might be troublesome or challenge. I impulsively dive right into it sometimes with good results, sometimes with marginal results, and sometimes creating more problems than what were originally present.  The cross is not something I want to intentionally carry by  giving up my will and offering my body as a living sacrifice as Paul exhorts us in Romans.   He is quite clear as he enjoins us not conform us to this age, but be transformed by renewal of your mind in order to discern the will of God so that we can be good, pleasing, and perfect.  Much easier to be pleased in this day and age then follow Paul's plea to the Romans.

Carrying a cross in our society is far from this message. The easy way out is offered to us at every corner whether it be real or that which is anchored in the recesses of our minds. Moreover, it is easier to go our own way as the Fleetwood Mac song says and ignore the cross.  I heard about two priest today in the homily given by one of our pastors who detailed each of their roads to the sacramental calling. One was a successful hairdresser in Montreal who had it all; the money, the world travels, the nice house and vehicles, and the other was a successful aerospace engineer who had tremendous success as well as wealth. The hairdresser lost his job, house, and money and subsequently ended up on the streets. The engineer despite his success found emptiness in all that he had and heard the call to the priesthood instead. Thinking that more money, more cars, more everything, is very much the message of American definition of success.  We don't pay attention nor do we hear much of those who carry the cross of the Gospel because our media doesn't find value in this.

THE PURSUIT OF EMPTINESS

I can think of the many times in my desire to become a successful person whether in my profession, coaching, parenting, and just being a person living the "American Dream" that I find myself coming up empty. The platitudes are temporary in my quest and leave me desiring more and coming up with less.  As this occurs I find myself coming back to God over and over again. Yes, Psalm 63 rings true as it says, "My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God. Sometimes this is after failure and fault. Other times it is after relentlessly pursuing a goal that may be self-centered.

FINDING WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR

"What do want from me?" is my cry. Maybe it is time I listen and follow Paul as he talks or renewal and Jesus as tells his disciples, "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself and take up his cross." (MT 16:24) Self denial just might be want the answer is. For me this may mean an examination of how I am living and what am I pursuing. Lately I have been faced with the challenge of recovering from neck surgery along with having back problems. Although my surgical recovery is coming along fine, I want God to fix my back and I want it right now. The question is posed am I asking God to come into each event in my life and denying myself the right to control the situation? Most of the time the answer is no as I prefer to think as humans do. However, when this is done I find myself more at peace with outcomes and at peace with myself in general.

As I continue my life journey despite my desire to control situations I am constantly reminded whether in Scripture or just the events of life that thinking like a human usually doesn't get me anywhere. Inviting God into the challenges of my life and having acceptance of the outcome no matter what the cost is a cross I must carry if I want true life.

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