On the Road

LOST

 Life's spiritual journey is full of distractions, despair, and at times blindness.  My spiritual journey follows that direction as well and has many parallels to that of the disciples on the road to Emmaus.
Much like the disciples who were conversing about the latest happenings, of Jesus being crucified, and their dashed hopes, life has a way of sucking us into the vacuum of distractions. I have found that  my journey is full of self-absorption and diversions so much to the point that I fail to see Jesus.

For years I was consumed with trying to to keep up with latest trends, fulfill empty goals, trying to stay financially ahead, as I was a blind traveler on the road to emptiness. I would have never recognized Jesus if He were seated next to me as passenger in the car. Scripture at Mass was just words and the Eucharist was just a round piece of wheat.

The Lectio Divina in the Magnificat for April makes mention of the difficulty one has understanding scripture if their mind is not open.  The disciples on the road to Emmaus seemed to have forgotten the good news that Jesus had preached during his three year ministry.  For many, myself included the ritual of going to Mass was listening to words read Sunday, but not fully understanding as well as taking communion but not grasping that Christ was present in the host. There was no joy in the experience just the obligatory task of showing up.

HUNGRY

Our associate on Saturday evening First Communion Mass talked of the joy of receiving the Good News. His homily was mostly directed at the adults in the congregation, primarily the parents of the communicants. His message stressed the need for the whole family to fed with Word of God and in the Eucharist. The idea that we need to be hungry paralleled that of the disciples who upon hearing Jesus unfold the mystery of the Scripture developed a desire to hear more.

BECOMING A CHILD

Becoming child like to hear the message in Scripture is something I can identify with. Something about being an adult seems to have tainted my view of Church teachings. The journey had become a walk on a dusty road and I could no longer see clearly. I needed Jesus to join me without me knowing it and open the word. I needed to be hungry again for the Eucharist. I needed wipe my eyes clean of the dirt that had hindered my vision of the Truth and of teachings that had endured two centuries. Ultimately I needed to be hungry again.

The Search

You said you would return so I searched

I was told that he left the tomb

 I set off no longer filled with gloom

I climbed the highest mountain to find you

 and what I found was only the view

I journeyed to the sea of roiling waves

among the fish, birds, and beach caves

To the desert in did I go

finding nothing but sand in a never ending flow

Onward to the verdant valley with streams of glass

hoping to find you among fields of grass 

Lord you promised that you would return

In my heart does my desire to see you burn

I walked to the mighty rivers winding through terrain

Would you be amongst the rocks and falling rain?

I proceeded on to great bustling city 

filled with people on too busy to help me

Exhausted I finally sat by a lone tree

Are you looking for me?

I strained nothing did I see

Where are you? 

I cried no longer able to proceed

I am here besides you and will always be

No longer will you have to search for me

Retreat

 I have been very blessed to have a week off during the hectic school year. I would like to think that this is what recharges me to finish the school year.  However, it is the quiet time I have in my backyard retreat that allows me to truly seek God in the semi-quiet suburban environment. Planes fly by on their way to LAX, birds constantly chirp, sirens wail as emergency vehicles head to their destination on a nearby surface street, dogs bark at a passerby on the street or in the case of my dog who barks at the small birds that frequent the lemon and avocado tree in our yard.

I find it necessary to have a quiet place away from the mindlessness of television and other distractions in my house where I can quietly reflect on readings, read spiritually writings, write, or sit quietly.  I have been told by some that very few people seek this type of refuge. I can't imagine not having this space. Even when my children were younger I would try to find a place of quiet, but now that one of them is out of area attending college and the other although home does not require much of my attention it is easier.

What do I find during this time? Spiritual gems from Thomas Merton who writes "from nothingness comes clarity" and Fr. Tadeus Dajczer who writes "If you have formed some system of security and God has caused your "manna" to rot, it is done our of love. God will have to to shake you to give you difficult graces in order to rescue you so that you may entrust yourself to God. " These spiritually deep thoughts provide a good deal of reflection for me during this time.

Although Merton was referring to prayer and the habit of creating imagery and thought which is a hinderance to true union with God in prayer, I also find that when I not distracted on some material thought clarity in the form of discernment seems to appear.

Likewise with Fr. Dajzcer reference to security do I find that I have to be shaken from my worldly bonds for me to become closer to God.  Distractions and worry abound in my life. Challenges seem to be frequent whether it be work related, family health, and financial worries. Each one of these is an opportunity to rid myself of the material bondage and entrust myself to God no matter what.

So in this daily backyard retreat I sometimes find answers. As I pondered my day and began to write in my spiritual journey these words on bottom of the page from Rainer Maria Wilke jumped out at me, "Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek answers that cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them."

Who Sets Your Calendar ?

UNSCRIPTED

A day ago I was watching an interview with the respected basketball broadcaster Ernie Johnson. During the interview which was primarily focused on his book, Unscripted: The Unpredictable Moments That Make Life Extraordinary, he talked about how he thought he had his life all scripted out until he had to face various challenges including battling cancer, the adoption of his foreign born children, including his son Michael who has muscular dystrophy and host of other events which were not part of his life plan.  This provoked some soul searching on my part as I watched the segment. I too also would like to think I have everything scripted out and set on my calendar, but life seems to get in the way.

My phone is full of calendared dates for appointments and my work at school is always planned out for the month as each unit of history is detailed by lesson. These goals are good as they keep me

focused and allow me not to forget certain events. Teaching as life is also full of unscripted moments as well with student interruptions, assemblies, the realization that the lesson is disengaging students as students have the look of total boredom, and sometimes teacher illness. A good teacher takes these in stride and makes the necessary changes seamlessly to an outside observer. This is usually attributed to being experienced. Life's unexpected plans also build on these experiences which one can call faith and hope.

WHOSE PLANS ARE THEY

The Bible has many verses on making plans, but my favorite is from James 4:13 in which the writer instructs the reader "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit”— you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow.
Ernie Johnson's interview prompted me to review some of my plans that not have fallen on into the neat script I have composed. Dealing with recent health issues have put many of my normal physical activities on the shelf. How I react to the prognosis is not always ideal as I find myself angry at God whenever I see a cyclist pedaling down the bike path or down one of the major surface streets that crisscross the area I live in.  This reaction is similar when a child's is beset with an injury or there is an unexpected medical expense or vehicle repair. 

What about those unexpected gifts such as child receiving an unexpected scholarship, the announcement of an impending birth, my favorite sports teams winning the title, the volunteer plant that pops up in the garden and produces a prolific crop? These moments were unscripted as well and were not written on my calendar. God has a way with surprises. 

With my current medical condition there is lot of waiting to see if an epidural for pain will work for three months or up to one year. Plans for a long planned vacation have been cancelled. Needless to say there is a lot of uncertainty. Once again I go back to the title of 
Ernie Johnson's book. His perspective on those challenging

moments provides a balanced insight and one that I endeavor to embrace more frequently.I would like to believe that I can retire from my current profession in three years to move onto other pursuits. But that is not for me to determine. Planning for the future is considered prudent. However, it is very presumptuous to assume to that I have it all figured out. 

I have many friends as well as family members that have faced what seemed to be insurmountable life challenges with cancer, job loss, sick parents, and other unscripted life challenges.  The common theme that gets them through is faith. Plans are good as long as there is a healthy perspective that human plans do not trump God's plans for each of us.

THE ARCHITECT AND THE DOG

Even those that draw up plans for a living know that having a solid foundation is key for the success for any building. Likewise adaptations are made when a part of the plans may compromise the structure or if the client wants changes. I cannot even pretend to know what God's plans are for me other than they are for the good. He is the architect and provides me with a solid foundation of faith and hope. He allows for me to veer off the road and pencil in my agenda. As I write this it reminds me of taking my dog for a walk every afternoon. He usually comes to me at a certain time. I could pencil this in on my calendar. However once we set off on the walk he will suddenly stop to sniff the path. These stops don't always occur in the same place as he will sit down forcing me to stop my quick pace. Much like God he is telling me to slow down as there are other plans.

I think Thomas Merton sums up it quite well with the prayer of trust when he would pray,
"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”4

The Patience of God

PATIENCE
Throughout today's readings the theme of patience appears. It seems no matter what God will patiently wait until the time is right and then they will be rewarded. In Ezekiel the Lord tells the people I will open your graves and have you rise from them (EZ 37:12). Paul's letter to the Romans talks of the body being dead, but the Spirit providing life(ROM 8:8). And finally in John Jesus's patience is keenly demonstrated as he waits for Lazarus to pass away and then despite protests from his disciples, returns to Bethany to resurrect Lazarus (JN 11).  The word patience has its origins from 12th century according to the website Online Etymology Dictionary. It refers to patience as the   "quality of being willing to bear adversities, calm endurance of misfortune, suffering." How contradictory is this definition to the secular society today. Moreover, how challenging is this to one who attempts to live out their Christian faith. 

WAIT WAIT WAIT

I know that I am not a very patient person. I cannot wait for someone to finish talking so that I can get my word in. I fret over traffic signals that seem to take an eternity. I don't like waiting for water to boil for my pasta or rice. And at times I can't wait for the day to end. 

What is interesting is watching other people being impatient. Over the last few weeks I have watched the NCAA basketball tournament. I was mesmerized by the panel of analysts who were talking about the games in progress or that had just ended.  Many of them were tapping their fingers or fidgeting with their pens as their colleagues were talking. They could not wait to jump in to get respective point heard. Sometimes the segment ended and they were left silent. I am sure they were able to talk off the set about their take on the situation. 

However despite all of this I just cannot see God tapping a pencil as he waits for me to fall in line, to rid myself of the many sins that bind me. If so he would go through lots of pencils. Instead taking the various passages of Scripture today mercy and patience prevail. Despite the fact that it took over half of my adult life to figure out that God was being patience with me as I drifted.

PATIENTLY CARING
We hear of the patience of Job and how he endured despite his friends who mocked him. Suffering patiently is not something most people long for. Our nation and world is full of problems that can be directly attributed to the lack of patience and mercy as well as suffering. So-called mercy killings and over-medicating are rampant problems. Suffering patiently is contrary to societal norms. However, there are those standout, who take on roles of caring for those with dementia, care for the disabled, poor and those on the fringes of society. They themselves are models of patience living out the example of the Gospel. 

PATIENT PRAYER

I somewhat  understand the idea of patience and mercy.  I pray for patience as I drive, I pray to be a better listener, I pray to be patient and merciful with those around me.  I pray and I pray. Sometimes  there is a breakthrough, other times I see that those faults which I so desperately want remedied seem to take forever. This is a chance for further reflection. Jesus waited quite a while for Peter to figure things out so I see myself in Peter at times. God waited many times for the Jews to follow the teaching of prophets so I also see myself in the Jews who seemed to wander aimlessly in the desert.  Through the workings of the Spirit I am redirected as I veer off the path.  My faith tells me that Jesus is waiting for me patiently as he did for the four days to cure Lazarus.  I hope that there many others as well with me.